Saturday, March 7, 2009

The vile drunken witch

It was going to be a peaceful evening. It should have been a peaceful evening. A quiet night with a few calm friends and cold beers, what could be better?.
But alas, the disgusting, detestable, dripping-with-fat rachel decided to curse us with her presence. I tried to talk to her and make her feel welcome, but her constant insults and cutting remarks made my sweet nature turn bitter. A night in the same house as that whore made me seriously consider suicide as the quickest way to get out. But I persevered being the brave young go-getter I am. The night continued at pleasant pace with a constant flow of friends to keep me amused and I was happy that rach had chosen to disturb the people in the house and not near the river where I currently was.

Suddenly a horrific cry broke out from the house, I glanced up sharply, stood up and flexed my impressive body into a unbreakable wall of muscle (which in turn caused three of the closest girls into instant orgasms*). A dark figure loomed in front of the house. Blocking all moonlight only a faint silhouette of the vast she-whale rachel was visible.
The silence caused by her cry was deafening.
Slowly but surely rachel begun to roll down the hill to the deck overlooking the river. Screams shattered the chilly night air, but nothing could stop her considerable mass from reaching us.
I quickly inhaled and roared above the pandemonium, "STOP HIDEOUS SHE-BEAST!". My words were as strong as any blow and she begrudgingly halted her roll of terror. Her raspy voice was deadly quiet but heard by all, with the simple word of "Vodka".
Knowing she could eat me and everyone else in brisbane, I eagerly complied, Bringing forth a drum full of Vodka. She easily sculled the drum and demanded more in her metallic rasp. Using my advanced knowledge of chemistry I made her more. Enough to kill any man, whale or dinosaur. She didnt even blink as she swallowed the several thousand litres of vodka I had procured for her. Had I not been terrified by this maniacal whale drinking amazing amounts of vodka, I would have been in rapture of the event. Truely, she was not of this world.

Having enough vodka in her to get the entire population of russia drunk twice, I had prayed her mood would have lightened. But her greedy eyes scoured the tables in search of even one drop of her precious vodka.
Knowing I had only one chance to subdue rachel before she began a rampage of fury, I did the unthinkable. I borrowed some of nicks elephant strength date rape drugs he uses on Maddy. Prising her mouth apart with my powerful arms I flung the bottle of roofies down her neck.


SHE FELL. THE BEAST HAD FALLEN. I HAD SUCCEEDED. Cheering gave way to rampant undressing of all the women*. Even Kathy Brunning. Oh fuck yea.
One girl, however, was not cheering. Yuki was hunched over the drunken body of rachel, sobbing wildly.
Even though on the outside she was grotesque and on the inside she was dull, he saw deep inside her* and realized she had a very human, and very real desire to be loved.
And with a single tear that fell on her face, she was awakened.
Rachel sat up, dazed and confused.
Yuki looked deep into her eyes and she into his and they shared a timeless moment that the two of them could only experience together.
Rachel then got up and rushed over to the river and from her mouth a torrent of vomit erupted. The river instantly turned a unsightly orange-green-brown colour. The vomit continued for several hours, only interupted by rachel passing out on yuki (almost crushing him) and then vomiting more. Boats, houses, dogs and cats all poured out with each wave of vomit from rachels mouth. And all through it all yuki stood as brave as any man in any battle and held her tightly.
Eventually rachel passed out and yuki slept by her the entire night. Sadly rachel crushed him in his sleep and yuki passed away, although the legend of the man, fueled by passion and love alone will live on in this post.

This is dedicated to Yuchiro Greenkey, the hero of this story.
Fuck you Rachel.

*One of the girls was Maha so it might not count
*2 Oh fuck yeah kathy brunning
* I mean really fucking deep inside her

1 comment: